Waking up to the suffering of others
And having an inkling of what it feels like to be Jon Bon Jovi- who knew!
When Jon Bon Jovi and his assistant talked a woman down from a bridge this week, it was one of those wonderful Chicken Soup for the Soul moments.
I was also reminded of the time I found myself in the same situation.
It happened on Tower Bridge in London, in the Summer of 1984.
I was 21 years old, exploring the city of London for the first time- looking for that sense of belonging from feeling a connection to the land of my forebears. Doing the traditional Kiwi overseas trip, visiting extended family and seeing the historical sights. I was travelling on my own and after working solidly on night shift as a Registered Nurse in an acute mental health unit for 9 months, I was enjoying the freedom of being on holiday.
It was a warm, sunny day and there were thousands of pedestrians on the Tower Bridge. I hadn’t been walking along the bridge very long when I noticed a young black man standing on the ledge outside the railing, holding on with both hands, he was focussed on the murky, fast flowing Thames river below.
I watched him as I approached and I also watched the many people who walked past him, without glancing in his direction. Caught up in their own lives, I wondered if they didn’t see him, pretended they didn’t see him, or just didn’t care?
I slowed down as I got closer, not wanting to scare or startle him. I stopped and smiled, casually saying hello. He was a few years older than me, and I remember he looked at me in surprise. I wasn’t sure how long he’d been standing there but nobody else had stopped.
I introduced myself and he told me his name, which I have forgotten, but I do remember there was hope in his eyes. And gratitude too, relief as well. I don’t think he wanted to end his life, he just didn’t have a plan B.
I asked him what he was doing and that he wasn’t thinking of jumping, was he?
He said shyly, yes he was. We talked for a while. He, still on the wrong side of the bridge railing and me feeling extraordinarily calm and confident, adrenaline allowing me to see with clarity and be as cool as a cucumber.
I told him I didn’t like heights and maybe we could continue our conversation somewhere else, did he know of a cafe nearby?
He told me there was one just at the beginning of the bridge and I offered to buy him a coffee.
My turn to feel relief, as he clambered carefully back over the railing. We walked to the cafe as if nothing unusual had happened, me trying to be nonchalant despite my now jelly-like legs.
We sat and he talked, I listened mostly. Grateful for my background in mental health and just actually listening deeply, wanting to understand his motives and ideas of what he might do next. I also wanted to do a risk assessment- see if I should take him somewhere he would be safe. I wanted to understand how serious he was about suiciding. I didn’t want to leave him until I felt he was feeling better only to have him return to the bridge.
He had split up from his girlfriend - she had called time on a fairly new relationship and he was hurt and upset. Just normal, common stuff.
We chatted, drank coffee, talked about his life, his work, his plans for the future, my life, my work, my family. Normal, ordinary stuff. I asked him who cared about him, who he could reach out to for support. He spoke of his family, how he would go and see them. He promised me he felt better and that he had no intention of any kind of self harm. He was going to get help and support now he could see things more clearly.
He was grateful to me and he will never know how grateful I was/am to him, because that day I understood what it is to be a human being.
“Do as Jesus did and see God in everyone.”- Neem Karoli Baba- Maharaji
We relaxed, he laughed at my accent and we talked about the future and after a few hours, parted company. Both of us heading in different directions, away from the bridge.
I never saw him or heard from him again, we didn’t exchange details. All we had was that afternoon, the shared experience of a young man coming face to face with choosing death.
I have often thought of him but I hadn’t relived that day until I watched Mr Bon Jovi on the news and it all came back to me, how familiar it all is.
I wonder how many others have been in this situation too?
I wonder what the people who walked past that woman on the bridge were thinking at the time and how they feel now?
The incidence of mental health crises and increasing suicide rates around the world is all heartbreaking. Such suffering, so often preventable if the person is able to be seen and heard. Unfortunately, it can be too difficult to find professional help, phone lines are jammed, Emergency Departments are under resourced and the demand is huge, referrals from GP’s form long waiting lists or people are too caught up in their emotions, too depressed/ overwhelmed/ or hope-less, to ask for help.
Sadly we often don’t see the signs or hear the cries for help and we lose people we love. We miss the cues, or don’t connect the dots, we don’t see the big picture of how desperately unhappy someone is.
That’s how it was for me, in my family. We didn’t see it coming and we lost my beautiful, precious niece. The “What If’s” we torture ourselves with afterwards, are excruciating.
As a Celebrant, I have cared for families through this tragic time and each time I’ve been struck by the outpouring of love. If only the person had been able to see choices and had known how deeply they were loved and how much they would be missed, maybe they would have chosen differently.
Thich Nhat Hanh says that young people often contemplate suicide when their idea of happiness is singular. If they think there is only one path to happiness and it involves a particular person/ job/ sense of identity- they believe they can’t be happy without that source of happiness. When what they perceive as happiness ends, they feel as if there is nothing else to live for. The reality he says, is that happiness can come from all directions- North, South, West, East, behind us, above us, from underneath us- if we only let go of our idea of what happiness means, it will flow easily into our lives.
Jack Kornfield once said, that when someone is suicidal, it’s because something does need to die or change significantly in their lives. Maybe they need to find a new job or partner, or maybe it’s the death of the ego that needs to happen- but it’s not about them, the death of the body is not what is ever required.
I know that my intention is to start a community that focusses on Joy and you might be wondering where I’m going with this heavy topic and it’s simply about prevention of suffering, leaning in when we are needed so that innate Joy and equanimity can be revealed and rediscovered. What we do for each other , we do for ourselves.
If one person reads this and sees a light at the end of their dark tunnel, or realises how they can help someone, it will have been worth it.
We need to talk about this separation though, we need to understand what drives division and judgment of each other by listening deeply with compassion. Putting aside our own thoughts, beliefs and prejudices. We all want to be heard and seen as we truly are, sans ego identity- just our true Divine beautiful, flawed but also perfect selves.
“Love is borne from the ground of Understanding”- Buddha.
There but for the Grace of God, go I.
The Bridge- Joy Cowley
‘There are times in life
when we are called to be bridges,
not a great monument spanning a distance
and carrying loads of heavy traffic
but a simple bridge
to help one person from here to there
over some difficulty
such as pain, fear, grief, loneliness,
a bridge which opens the way
for ongoing journey.
When I become a bridge for another,
I bring upon myself a blessing, for I escape
from the small prison of self
and exist for a wider world,
breaking out to be a larger being
who can enter another’s pain
and rejoice in another’s triumph.
I know of only one greater blessing
in this life, and that is
to allow someone else
to be a bridge for me.”
As a Well-Being Therapist, I work with people who want help to find another path than the one they are currently on; uncertainty/ anxiety & depression/ loss & grief; relationship issues, all so very normal, so very human- all of these things benefit from a holistic, mindfulness approach.
You are welcome to reach out here or via my website https://braveandblissful.co.nz/well-being-therapy
Namaste friends,
may you be well, may you be happy, may you live with ease.
with loving kindness,
Sally
Please feel free to comment, I value your opinions , knowledge and experience.
Oh my...this is beautiful and just so true. Blessings to you Sally.❤️